


restraint

by healing



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alfred Vint Svent Really Hates Himself is the actual title of this fic, M/M, Pining, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 06:58:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7704868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/healing/pseuds/healing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>alvin doesn't know when he stopped seeing jude as potential collateral damage and started seeing him as a person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	restraint

**Author's Note:**

  * For [diarahan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diarahan/gifts).



> a "give me one word and one pairing and get a drabble" meme w/ aruju and prompt: restraint turned into this
> 
> alvin-centric

the first time he meets jude and gets a good look at him, a really good look at him, alvin thinks, wouldn't it be nice if i weren't involved in this mess and i could just check into the next inn and bend him over a mattress?

he shuts those thoughts down. jude is a good kid. too good. he is involved, and that's all that matters. soon enough, jude will be gone.

*

by nia khera, alvin is hoping he'll ditch milla and go off on his way. it'll make his job easier. it'll make his life easier, because he can't stop looking at him.

jude goes with them, and alvin has no choice but to follow. he hears the excitement in jude's voice when he says he's glad alvin is tagging along, sees the shimmer in his eyes. alvin's never seen eyes so amber.

he shuts down the strange thing his heart just did, whatever the hell that was. he shuts that down the second he can.

*

when alvin dives in front of him at the gorge without thinking, an arrow soaring their way, they both come out unscathed. alvin winks and tells him it's a mercenary thing. it's not. it's a jude thing.

he shuts down such an absurd idea. ridiculous. a joke.

*

by sharilton, the kid looks like a kicked puppy when alvin informs him of his new client. jude is grating on his nerves. _this_  is grating on his nerves, because it seems like he can't escape it even when he's telling jude he has no reason to be here. he wants to dip his head down and give him a goodbye kiss, he thinks. just one. just one and then they'd part ways and alvin wouldn't have to think about him again. jude would move on.

he shuts down that urge as soon as jude sadly turns to go tell the others. soon after, jude waits for a goodbye he doesn't get before taking off with milla. alvin stares after them.

*

i know you've put your trust in me, alvin says in kanbalar, minutes before selling them out. he turns his back to him and can feel jude's earnest gaze boring into him.

he shuts down the two seconds he considers telling wingul he doesn't know shit.

*

how are we supposed to trust you? jude asks, back in xian diu. alvin slings an arm around his shoulders and reassures him that he's just looking out for them. milla stares at alvin when jude reluctantly forgives him. he's so easy. he's so, so easy, and alvin could do anything he wanted to him, and jude would just let him. he'd let him.

he shuts down the urge to bolt right then and there. he's disgusting. he's sick. he's disgusting he's sick he's a monster

*

alvin visits his mother one last time before they leave, alone. last time, he'd introduced her to jude and milla. this time, knowing nobody is there to understand his absurd metaphor, alvin murmurs, _alfred mentioned that jude pays more attention to milla than he does to him. cats, huh? not too cuddly._

he shuts down the very thought of visiting her again for weeks afterward. if she knew who he was, his mother would be ashamed of him.

*

alvin keeps protecting him. every time there's a threat, alvin is there in an instant, impulse winning out over strategy, his sword a shield. he doesn't know why. 

he shuts down the notion of making an attempt at understanding. has he ever done things for a good reason?

*

so you want to be with her forever, then? alvin snaps. jude is so damn naive. so pathetic. so. just... so.

alvin? jude asks, sitting up, both confusion and concern curving his lips and clouding his eyes. how can jude look at him like that and expect him to hang on to the last threads of patience he has?

they're alone, and jude is looking at him like alvin is so important. nobody but them would have to know. alvin could go ahead and prove that milla isn't worth this, and he doesn't know whether he'd be trying to convince himself, or convince jude - but he doesn't want that. he doesn't want to hurt jude. he doesn't want to hurt milla, anymore. he doesn't. when the hell did he start liking maxwell, too? why does he see what jude, bright and starry-eyed, sees in her? milla is the embodiment of everything that alvin isn't. 

it's not fair. none of this is fair.

alvin? jude asks again. he sits at the edge of the bed, waiting. 

alvin shuts that conversation down, turns over, and pretends to sleep, back turned to him. he knows jude is still staring at him.

*

alvin doesn't know when he stopped seeing jude as potential collateral damage and started seeing him as a person. day one? week one? months? alvin had gravitated toward jude so quickly, he can't possibly know. he doesn't know why he teased him, made him smile, made him laugh. he doesn't know why he made things so much harder on himself. his stomach lurches, his chest aches, his gut twists.

he shuts down.

*

milla dies. he makes a pact with muzet. when he sees jude slumped over in hamil, eyes blank, alvin holds a gun to his head with shaking hands and tells him that he's going to kill him. jude tells him to go ahead. jude doesn't fight back. he can't hear leia's deafening screams. all he hears is jude's deafening silence.

he shuts down the open opportunity to just do it. he can't. he can't. he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't.

*

let's get moving, alvin, jude says. he's smiling at him, and alvin realizes that nobody has ever looked at him like that before. his heart is pounding in his chest, a mixture of pure adrenaline and the punches that knocked the wind out of him and the realization that shit, he's in trouble. he's in so much trouble. denial. he's been denying everything about the kid that just gave him a black eye and then smiled at him with a hand outstretched and it all spills out at once.

he shuts down the urge to turn his gun on himself as soon as jude and leia are gone, right then and there, before presa and agria arrive to stop him. he wishes he was dead.

*

come with us, jude says.

he shuts down the sudden need to grab his hands, get on his knees and sob into his chest. jude walks away, and alvin realizes that jude is more mature than he'll ever be.

*

jude forgives him. jude accepts him. jude believes in him. jude cares about him. and alvin, alvin is done with lying, with hurting, with killing. he's done with it all. he'll work from the bottom up. he has everything he needs.

he shuts down the idea that he should tell him.

*

when you're a professional liar, you know restraint. it's in your blood, your veins. up until this, alvin never knew anything else. it was easy. it was easy, and then it wasn't, and then.

there comes a point where he has to toss that restraint out the window and stop shutting down. it's hard, but in the end, it's worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm replaying xillia for the 200th time and i cannot escape


End file.
